Intimacy in your Marriage
What do you feel your relationship struggles with more, non sexual intimacy or sexual intimacy? Did you know there was even a difference? Many times when people think about intimacy they think sex, though this is correct it neglects to acknowledge the non sexual counter part- friendship.
Non sexual intimacy
Is that part in which you deepen your emotional connection and grow your friendship. It is the time that is taken to sit with one another, ask the questions to learn about each other’s day, listening to the struggle your spouse is going through or going on those dates that keep you engaged with one another. Simply put, you are very much part of your spouse’s daily life and in “the know” of what is going on in their heart and mind. As you can imagine, the deeper the intimacy the stronger the security is within the relationship.
Along with the emotional connection, there is the non sexual touch that increases the intimacy between husband and wife. All too often, people stop hugging and kissing each other as they leave for the day or come home or forget that good night kiss. Ensuring that this part of your marriage’s intimacy doesn’t die, you want to make it a habit to hold their hand, give them a hug and a kiss, sit close to them on the couch, cuddle in bed and simply just touch your spouse. Physical affection is very important when it comes to deepening your marital intimacy. This then leads us to sexual intimacy.
Sex is key to a healthy marriage. There are so many misconceptions out there regarding sex and how is “should” be. Let me make it clear right now, sex in the movies is not reality! That mutual high desire, wildly sexy positional sessions and intense sexual climaxes are not the norm for every day life. Can you experience these encounters with your spouse? Sure, but will they be described as such every time you are intimate with your spouse, I would think not. So often people feel that if their sex life is not outlined as above then something is wrong or the passion is dead but I would argue that is not true. Passion is very much alive as long as you and your spouse are still talking about it and engaging in it. Being attune to each others needs and desires can very much keep the passion alive. Romantic love between a husband and wife will naturally have its ups and downs with the course of life, that is normal. What is important is that we stay focused on pleasing our spouse. Even if fireworks do not go off every time, it does not mean that something good is not happening. Engaging in any type of sexual connection is connection — even if it is just fondling and caressing, it does not have to be sexual intercourse and orgasm every time.
Men and women are wired differently when it comes to sex. It is important that as husbands and wives we understand each other so we can have the most satisfaction when it comes to our sex life. Men tend to get a bad wrap when it comes to sex; they want it too much and that is all they think about. Although there may be truth to these accusations, we have to understand that sex is very important to men but not just because they are animals and they NEED to have sex but because it communicates something to them. Men are very much validated and reassured through sex. Have you ever experienced your husband pursuing sex after you had an argument? It seems crazy right? Well, it is actually because through sex men feel reconnected with their wife and it assures them of our bond. It provides a sense of security for them. So as wives we need to carefully think about how we respond to our husbands when ever they initiate sex, not that we have to oblige every time but be sure to affirm your desire for them even if sex is not going to happen in that moment.
Women, we also get some negative comments thrown our way regarding sex: women never want it, they control the sexual relationships, lack of sex is used as a punishment, etc. Again, all of this may be true in some instances but men you have to remember some key things about your wives. Women need to feel secure and emotionally connected to engage fully with her mind, body and soul within the sexual relationship. Even if there is not an actual affair going on, there are other ways in which women can feel insecure with their husbands affections. Meeting her non sexual needs will greatly increase the sexual relationship, as well. So often women are juggling so many things, therefore sex is pretty low on the priority list. When their husbands can be aware of the needs she has and provide for them then this allows for a higher level of desire for sexual intimacy. Lastly, men you will want to keep in mind that if your wife is a mom, she may be a bit insecure of her physical body; so encouraging her and being sensitive to this will also help her comfort level in the bedroom.
Overall, intimacy is an absolute must for a relationship to thrive. The difference between friendship and marriage is the sexual intimacy. So if you are married and you feel your sexual intimacy is lacking, something needs to be done to get your sexual relationship to a healthy level. Sex is a key indicator to the health of a marriage. It is not necessarily the quantity of sex but the quality of sex that matters. On the flip side, if your marriage lacks the non sexual intimacy then you also are missing out on a healthy and secure relationship. It is everything to be able to say “my spouse is my best friend.” Think about how that statement can dramatically change the dynamic of your marriage!
Is your relationship struggling with intimacy? Don’t hesitate to reach out with questions or concerns.